1. Pay your taxes. This cannot be stressed enough. Pay taxes on all money you make, legal and illegal. If you have to, setup some fake business so you can declare the income on your taxes. The reason for this rule is that the federal government does not take kindly to be short changed and they do not play by anyone’s rules but their own. If they think you have been not paying enough taxes, you will be treated as guilty until you can prove you are innocent. They will grab all your bank accounts and assets. They will even throw you in jail (this is how they got Al Capone). The federal government does not play fair and you want to avoid getting them involved.
2. Do not involve the mail in your crime. This is really an extension of the first rule. The mail service is a government mandated monopoly. As such, they go after people who use it for criminal activities. And don’t just think that as long as I don’t ship illegal items I am ok. If they police think you are using the mail to send anything that can incriminate you, they will get the federal government involved.
3. Do not carry/use a gun. First, if you cannot think of how to commit a crime without using a gun, you should really consider a new career. In truth, most of the time, if you use a gun in a crime, it will only add time to your sentence. If you do actually fire the gun in the act of the crime, unless your intended crime was murder, you now had just added murder to your list of offenses (and murder is the only crime that does not have a statute of limitations). I know that shoot outs with the police look really cool in the movies, but the truth is that the police have been trained to use a gun, practice firing a gun and have to be checked off in proficiency of its use yearly. What experience do you have with a gun? Trust me, a Play Station or XBox does not count. You are just WAY better off not using or carrying a gun.
4. Be a perfect driver. When you are a criminal and the police are looking for you, the last thing you want to do is give them a reason stop and investigate you. I am always amazed at how many people with warrants for their arrest, speed and get caught by the police when they perform the traffic stop. If I were a criminal, I would be a perfect driver. I would always go the speed limit, use my turn signals, and obey all traffic signs. In fact, every week, I would check that all the lights on my car work, even the little light over the license plate. Do not give the police a reason to pull you over.
5. Do not run from the police. If, for some reason, the police do want to pull you over (even if you just committed a crime), do not run from them. This is much like the reason for not carrying a gun. The police are trained for car chases. They are taught how to drive fast. What training do you have? Again, Play Station and XBox do not count. Another reason is that the police have cars that are built for pursuit with more horse power and better suspension. You are not going to out run them in your SUV. Your bling’d out SUV might have 4 wheel drive, but unless you plan on driving where there are no roads, that 4 wheel drive is just extra weight and robs horse power. Now I supposed if you lived in the country then you might think that an SUV would be a good escape vehicle. But trust me, if you live in the country, then the police will have a 4×4 of their own. But let’s say you live in the city and you use a sports car. Well, assuming you can get through traffic, the police have something that you just cannot out run. They have something that travels at the speed of light. It is called the radio. Trust me, you WILL be caught. Your best bet, is if the cops are chasing you, then just pull over.
6. Do not video yourself doing the crime. I really should not have to say this one but sadly people commit this offense all the time. Plain and simple, the goal of committing a crime is to get away without ANY evidence. Period. Keeping a video copy of yourself committing a crime is a guarantee that you will go to jail for the crime.
7. Always wear a shirt. This rule might not be as obvious, but if you ever watched TV shows like ‘COPS’ then you will notice that police always arrest the guy without a shirt. I am not sure why this is, but it is better to err on the side of caution and ALWAYS wear a shirt.
8. Do not lie. I know that it might seem like a good idea to tell the police a lie in order to fool or trick them. The truth is, they police will find out the truth and that will get you in a lot of trouble and make you look bad to a jury. Now this does not mean that you would have to admit to your crime. If you are asked a question that if you answered it would be admitting a crime, you have a constitutional right to keep your big mouth shut. This is called the fifth amendment. It is also in your Miranda rights. Trust me, if you’re arrested, lying, or even talking too much is not going to help you.
9. Do not draw attention to yourself. This is probably the hardest rule to obey for people. If we just illegally acquired a load of cash, it is our desire to spend it. We want to go and buy the fancy car or trick out our current ride. But this just draws attention to ourselves. It causes people to start to wander where we came up with the money for that. Another part of this that might not be as obvious is the desire to tell others of our crime. I mean, we just got away with a crime and we want to brag to our friends of our genius.  But the more people that know about the crime, the likely you will get caught. Trust me, if your friend gets arrested for some minor little crime, he will flip on you to save his own bacon. No, the best thing to do is if you have committed a crime, is to NOT change your life but continue living as you had before.
10. Get the best lawyer. This is the most important rule of all. You need to save all the money you can for the best attorney. The reason is that the ONLY way to truly get away with a crime is to beat it in court and that takes a great lawyer, and they cost a lot of money.

I know that, were I criminal, these rules would greatly reduce the likely-hood of me going to jail but they also seem to take all the ‘fun’ out of being a criminal. I think the best approach is to not be a criminal at all.

After doing some work on my roof, I now understand why, in the three years that I have lived in this house, you have never stopped. I can appreciate your concern for your safety and the the safety of your rain-deer, but please be informed that neither my wife, nor myself were involved in trying to pop a cap into you upon your last visit (please see attached photo of bullet found embedded in shingle of my house). My wife and I hold no ill will towards you and look forward to your visit this Christmas.

Sincerely,
Mike Chrisman

PS. Please reiterate my deepest apologies to Rudolf for my comments that caused our last altercation. It was very inconsiderate of me to tell him how much I enjoy rain-deer sausage for breakfast and do not blame him for attacking me. I am very sorry for my rudeness and hope he can forgive me.