Random Rantings |

 Now, let me clearly state that I am not a criminal nor do I endorse committing crimes. I was taught from a very early age that you “don’t do the crime, if you aren’t willing to do the time.” Keeping this in mind, I have never been able to think of a crime that was worth the punishment. Now, that being said, after learning of criminals in the past and watching hours of police related TV shows, I have come up with a list of rules that I would live by if ever I were to be come a criminal. These rules are designed to help keep me out of jail.

1. Pay your taxes. This cannot be stressed enough. Pay taxes on all money you make, legal and illegal. If you have to, setup some fake business so you can declare the income on your taxes. The reason for this rule is that the federal government does not take kindly to be short changed and they do not play by anyone’s rules but their own. If they think you have been not paying enough taxes, you will be treated as guilty until you can prove you are innocent. They will grab all your bank accounts and assets. They will even throw you in jail (this is how they got Al Capone). The federal government does not play fair and you want to avoid getting them involved.
2. Do not involve the mail in your crime. This is really an extension of the first rule. The mail service is a government mandated monopoly. As such, they go after people who use it for criminal activities. And don’t just think that as long as I don’t ship illegal items I am ok. If they police think you are using the mail to send anything that can incriminate you, they will get the federal government involved.
3. Do not carry/use a gun. First, if you cannot think of how to commit a crime without using a gun, you should really consider a new career. In truth, most of the time, if you use a gun in a crime, it will only add time to your sentence. If you do actually fire the gun in the act of the crime, unless your intended crime was murder, you now had just added murder to your list of offenses (and murder is the only crime that does not have a statute of limitations). I know that shoot outs with the police look really cool in the movies, but the truth is that the police have been trained to use a gun, practice firing a gun and have to be checked off in proficiency of its use yearly. What experience do you have with a gun? Trust me, a Play Station or XBox does not count. You are just WAY better off not using or carrying a gun.
4. Be a perfect driver. When you are a criminal and the police are looking for you, the last thing you want to do is give them a reason stop and investigate you. I am always amazed at how many people with warrants for their arrest, speed and get caught by the police when they perform the traffic stop. If I were a criminal, I would be a perfect driver. I would always go the speed limit, use my turn signals, and obey all traffic signs. In fact, every week, I would check that all the lights on my car work, even the little light over the license plate. Do not give the police a reason to pull you over.
5. Do not run from the police. If, for some reason, the police do want to pull you over (even if you just committed a crime), do not run from them. This is much like the reason for not carrying a gun. The police are trained for car chases. They are taught how to drive fast. What training do you have? Again, Play Station and XBox do not count. Another reason is that the police have cars that are built for pursuit with more horse power and better suspension. You are not going to out run them in your SUV. Your bling’d out SUV might have 4 wheel drive, but unless you plan on driving where there are no roads, that 4 wheel drive is just extra weight and robs horse power. Now I supposed if you lived in the country then you might think that an SUV would be a good escape vehicle. But trust me, if you live in the country, then the police will have a 4×4 of their own. But let’s say you live in the city and you use a sports car. Well, assuming you can get through traffic, the police have something that you just cannot out run. They have something that travels at the speed of light. It is called the radio. Trust me, you WILL be caught. Your best bet, is if the cops are chasing you, then just pull over.
6. Do not video yourself doing the crime. I really should not have to say this one but sadly people commit this offense all the time. Plain and simple, the goal of committing a crime is to get away without ANY evidence. Period. Keeping a video copy of yourself committing a crime is a guarantee that you will go to jail for the crime.
7. Always wear a shirt. This rule might not be as obvious, but if you ever watched TV shows like ‘COPS’ then you will notice that police always arrest the guy without a shirt. I am not sure why this is, but it is better to err on the side of caution and ALWAYS wear a shirt.
8. Do not lie. I know that it might seem like a good idea to tell the police a lie in order to fool or trick them. The truth is, they police will find out the truth and that will get you in a lot of trouble and make you look bad to a jury. Now this does not mean that you would have to admit to your crime. If you are asked a question that if you answered it would be admitting a crime, you have a constitutional right to keep your big mouth shut. This is called the fifth amendment. It is also in your Miranda rights. Trust me, if you’re arrested, lying, or even talking too much is not going to help you.
9. Do not draw attention to yourself. This is probably the hardest rule to obey for people. If we just illegally acquired a load of cash, it is our desire to spend it. We want to go and buy the fancy car or trick out our current ride. But this just draws attention to ourselves. It causes people to start to wander where we came up with the money for that. Another part of this that might not be as obvious is the desire to tell others of our crime. I mean, we just got away with a crime and we want to brag to our friends of our genius.  But the more people that know about the crime, the likely you will get caught. Trust me, if your friend gets arrested for some minor little crime, he will flip on you to save his own bacon. No, the best thing to do is if you have committed a crime, is to NOT change your life but continue living as you had before.
10. Get the best lawyer. This is the most important rule of all. You need to save all the money you can for the best attorney. The reason is that the ONLY way to truly get away with a crime is to beat it in court and that takes a great lawyer, and they cost a lot of money.

I know that, were I criminal, these rules would greatly reduce the likely-hood of me going to jail but they also seem to take all the ‘fun’ out of being a criminal. I think the best approach is to not be a criminal at all.

Like most people, when I read the Bible, I would gloss over the ‘and so and so begat so and so’ sections as they are very dry and hard to follow. But then it occurred to me that if God felt it important to list all that begetting, then it must be important. This made me want to study it. However, just reading it was to confusing and too easy to just gloss over. The only way I could think to really understand it was to create a family tree of the whole mess. I started the project and have managed to make it through the book of Genesis. I thought I would share what I had.  I have attached three documents. The first is the entire family tree in one very large JPG format. Next is a 180 page PDF where if you print it out, you can piece the tree together. The last file is the GEDCOM file incase you want to load the genealogy into your favorite program.

Source GEDCOM file BibleGeneology-Genesis.ged
Family Tree in 180 page PDF DecendantsOfAdam.pdf
Family Tree in one BIG JPEG DecendantsOfAdam.jpg

The mapping was pretty straight forward. The only real issue I found was dealing with Esau’s lineage.

• The first issue is with his wives. In Gen 26:34, it says he married two Hittite women; Beeri and Basemath (daughter of Elon). Then in Gen 28:9, it says he married Mahalath., the daughter of Ishmael However, in Gen 36, is says that he married Adah (daughter of Elon), Aholibamah (daughter of Anah) and Basemath the daughter of Ishmael.  At first this might seem contradictory, but let us be careful not to mix up confusing with contradictory. I see that there are two possible answers to this conundrum. First is that he really did have 6 wives and did married two sets of sisters. Marring sisters is not unheard of as his grandfather had married two sisters. Plus, Basemath could have been a very popular woman’s name at the time. The other possibility is that when you research the word “Basemath”, you find that it means Fragrant. Therefore, he could have had 4 wives and two of them has the same nick-name ‘Fragrant.’ Which is correct? The Bible is not clear. Either works for me.
• Next is the descendants of Seir as mentioned in Genesis 36:20. At first I could not figure out where Seir came from as he is not listed as a son of Esau anywhere (but it is found in the middle of the lineage of Esau). Then I remembered that Esau had settled in the land of Seir. The Bible is talking about people that already lived in the land. Although I listed these people as brothers under a “man” named Seir in the tree, I am not sure they were even related. The Bible does not say. I was able to see why some of them were listed as a couple of Esau’s wives where related to these “sons of Seir,” but why other ones are listed I am not sure.

Well that is it for Genesis. It was very interesting to map out the genealogy as I found some very interesting and strange family ties. I am starting to think that Abraham was the origins of the red-necks as there was a lot of marrying of your cousin going on.

As each new year dawns, my mind is brought to think about a new beginning, a new start. I supposed I am not alone in this as the most common thing to do upon the new year is to make resolutions. I think psychologically that we look at the new year as a way to reset ourselves. It allows us to say to ourselves, that all our failures and mistakes over the last year do not matter and we will start fresh, start anew. For those that embrace this belief, it gives hope that things can change, that our life is not as miserable as we think because we can change it, starting now. Ironically, most people fail to actually change anything about their lives over the coming year. I guess it is the hope that is the important thing.

For me, this new beginning is always more poignant as I get depressed during the holiday time. Yes I admit that I am one of those people that get depressed at Christmas. Now understand, I do not get so depressed that I begin to think of thoughts of ending it all, but the depression does put me in the frame of mind to take a hard long look at my life. A few years ago, I hit the dreaded Mid Life Crisis (yes I am old enough to appreciate the movie ‘Lost In Translation’). Now, I didn’t get the ‘Divorce your wife, get a sports car and a 20 year old blond’ version of that affliction. No, instead I got the ‘make a list of things you want to do in your life’ variant. (This version of the crisis was much more appealing to my wife.) After I made the list, I went back in figured out why each item was on the list and it was very eye opening about myself (but that is another blog entry). Two years ago, I began working on that list. The first two items kind of went hand in hand: get back into shape (ie, lose 130 pounds) and participate in some endurance event. For the weight lose, I started with Weight Watchers, mainly because I was traveling for work and they didn’t require me to each special food that I would have to take with me. In that year I managed to lose 70 pounds. For my endurance event, my thought was to do some long distance bicycle race. Running a foot race was the last thing on my mind as I did not like running. Well, when you are travelling all the time, it become problematic to haul around a bicycle with you to train with. Most hotels have an exercise room (and the elliptical equipment is almost always busy), so I started using the treadmill.  As it turned out, the project I was one, many of my co-workers were marathon runners. including the guy that was sitting next to me. In fact, he could be called a marathon maniac. However, the title of maniac implies someone that eats, drinks, breaths and thinks only marathons and that is not this guy. Although he as run over 27 marathons in his life (and a could of ultra marathons), he had the best attitude about marathon running. If you look at books and magazines on running marathons, they all talk about running faster, like that is all that matters in a marathon. This guy’s attitude was not about running the fasted marathon, it was about just finishing the marathon and having fun doing. He was (and is) a great coach and I am proud to say a dear friend. With his help, I managed to run a 1/2 marathon that same year. This last year, I managed to run another 1/2 marathon in the spring before I hurt my foot and was forced off my feet. As for my weight loss, that has stalled over the last year.  So, that is where I am at today, with two of my life goals being 1/2 done and I am not happy about it.

I think the key for anyone in meeting a goal is to understand what motivates you. What makes you do something. For me, I am a deadline kind of person. If I make a date to reach a goal, then I will work hard to make that goal (especially if there is money involved like spending money for admission for a marathon). Now, believe it or not, you do NOT have to be in shape to run a marathon (not if your only goal is to finish). However, since losing the weight is another goal and the two go so well together, those are my goals (resolutions?) for this year. Of course, if I am going to make it, then I need to set a deadline. And that deadline is May 15. That is when the Famous Idaho Potato Marathon is. It is a local marathon (so I get to sleep in my own bed) and I did the 1/2 marathon last year.  I have 18 weeks till the big race.

Dear Santa,

After doing some work on my roof, I now understand why, in the three years that I have lived in this house, you have never stopped. I can appreciate your concern for your safety and the the safety of your rain-deer, but please be informed that neither my wife, nor myself were involved in trying to pop a cap into you upon your last visit (please see attached photo of bullet found embedded in shingle of my house). My wife and I hold no ill will towards you and look forward to your visit this Christmas.

Sincerely,
Mike Chrisman

PS. Please reiterate my deepest apologies to Rudolf for my comments that caused our last altercation. It was very inconsiderate of me to tell him how much I enjoy rain-deer sausage for breakfast and do not blame him for attacking me. I am very sorry for my rudeness and hope he can forgive me.

Dear Uncle Scrooge,

I have been giving your last letter a lot of thought.  I think you might be right that in my quest to find the true meaning of Christmas, I have found but overlooked the real answer. In comparing the acts of celebration today with the Bible, I found that although they did not line up, there were Bible verses that made it all right. Of course I am talking of 1 Corinthians 10:

31 Therefore whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 32 Give no offense, either to the Jews, or to the Greeks or to the church of God; 33 even as I please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit, but the profit of many, so that they may be saved.

At first, I thought these to be just catch-all verses, but now I think they is the key to Christmas. On the surface, these verses would appear to be a way that a Christian can get away with doing anything, but these verses go much deeper. They are not a license to do anything but rather are guideline on how to tell if what you are doing is right. These verse are very clear that it is not about the act but about the heart. The Bible states this more clearly in Matthew 15:

17 Do you not yet understand that whatever enters in at the mouth goes into the belly, and is cast out into the waste-bowl? 18 But the things which come out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile the man. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies; 20 these are the things which defile a man, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile a man.

Clearly God is saying that what is in your heart matters and not what you say or what you do.  Our intensions matter more than our actions (although our actions to do matter).

So what does this have to do with the true meaning of Christmas? The secret to the holiday is not what you do or even why. The secret is in your relationship with God. If we have an active relationship with God then our hearts will rejoice at Christmas and it will not matter what we do. If however, a person lacks that close relationship with God, then the holiday can hold no meaning as without God in our hearts, there is not meaning in Christmas. It is clear that the place for me to search for the meaning of Christmas is to work on my relationship with God. Christmas is not in any action, any carol, any gift, or any lights or decoration. Christmas is found in the hearts of men when God dwells within.

I want to thank you for your guidance and wisdom in this issue. I see now how I must proceed. I hope all is well with you and wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Your loving great nephew

E. Cliff